Have you ever felt as if nothing ever goes right, like someone follows you around all day making sure nothing good happens? I’ve spent several years feeling inadequate, unworthy, unloved… you know, any bad feeling I could have towards myself and others. Well, since I was never good enough, nothing else was good enough for me.
My poor husband has put up with a bitter, hostile, and negative wife for way longer than anyone should ever have to. But being the amazing man that he is, he chose to never give up on me. You see, he knows the real Tricia. The Tricia that would travel across the world to help the people she loves. The Tricia that brightened up the room anytime she walked in. The Tricia that chose to see the positive in the most negative situations. But somewhere along the line, I began choosing to see the darkness instead of the light.
I can’t tell you exactly why, nor when I took a turn down the wrong road. But it was that same road I’ve travelled down time and time again. The road that has deep, dark potholes that I always fall into. I’m talking about the potholes that seem nearly impossible to climb out of, even if you have the strength to try.
I was defeated. Lost inside a nightmare that I couldn’t seem to wake up from. There were many days that I would waste, sleeping for 14-20 hours straight. All of this simply because I did not want to continue doing life. I was extremely unhappy, and my therapist couldn’t seem to fix it this time.
Then God stepped in and pointed out that I am choosing to feel this way. It is literally my decision to be hiding in a miserably dark place, or brilliantly lighting up the room. I’ve heard this, or something similar, many times before. I mean, I’ve even said something like this to someone else! And I’m sure you’ve heard it too. But I haven’t actually heard it and wanted to make a change until recently.
As you may have read in my past blogs, there have been many changes in my life over the past several months. I have taken these life changing events and turned them away from the negativity and shed light on them to be resolved. I have accepted them for what they are, instead of shoving them away until I am wallowing in self-pity because that’s seems easier. Yes, I just admitted that I am weak. But where I am weak, He is strong. He can and will bring me out of my dispair and everything will be good. I will feel good. I will walk higher and talk better. I will look good. All the good things will become reality, for anyone. If it is spoken, it will be.